Born in 1963, I grew up in somewhat of an extended family; I had my Mom, my Aunt and a Grandfather living with me. I remember being fiercely loved, justly disciplined and then loved some more. As an only child I remember being confident in accomplishing anything I set my mind to, and also being somewhat spoiled, getting anything I wanted. Sports, learning, and getting along with different people was easy for me.
And then 5th grade – or maybe just turning 10 – happened to me. Why, I don’t know, but about that time the doubts, insecurities, and fears that I suppose plague all the children of this world all of a sudden started getting to me.
- Why aren’t I more popular?
- Why can’t I be friends with so and so?
- Why do I look different?
- How come I need to take the freaking “small bus” to daycare after school when everybody else is walking home?
Enter Junior High and yes, drugs. Marijuana was the big thing – hell, all of the cool kids were doing it. I finally got hold of some of my own and decided to get stoned before school by myself. Hello full-scale panic freak out attack. And I still had to go to school because one thing I could not do was MISS SCHOOL.
Things were never the same after that; insecurities multiplied, fears grew. Throw puberty into the mix and I was a wreck. Of course no one saw it. I had a great exterior shell; it looked good and acted well, did all the right things. Little did I know I was laying the groundwork for the next 40 years of living as half-man, a shell man – not the man you should or could be man.
Enter alcohol. Wow, I found the solution! I found the magic elixir that takes away all the fears, the insecurities, the shyness. Shit I can even talk to women! Fast forward to college, and nothing much changed as far as the monsters in me. I did finally lose my virginity, drunk of course. I then discovered someone new: Mr. Jimmy as opposed to Dr. Jimmy. (think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) Mr. Jimmy was full-blown new and improved crazy on beer or the drug du jour, and that seemed to work very well for me during my 4.5-year college career.
Then, adulthood. Damn! I have a degree from a highly respected school and should be on my way to making beaucoup bucks. But try being a successful interviewee when you so lack confidence in your skills, abilities, and self-worth that it even shows through your shell, by now pressure-hardened into a diamond. I’ll tell you where that gets you: mediocre jobs where you know you’re not living up to your true potential because I CAN’T (says me)!
In the meantime, I got married, and by the grace of God have remained so for more than 30 years. But let’s look at those decades. The first five years where intensively stressful – to Shell Man, that is. Vicious fights that battered me psychologically, caused me to shrink as a man. Looking back, that is the time I became unequal with my wife. Yes, I became Lesser-than-my Wife Shell Man for the next 25 years. She was more confident, better at making friends and could win any argument with me. Hell, at least we weren’t fighting anymore! The fighting was so brutal I quickly learned to avoid any disagreements; I became a friend to my wife, as opposed to a husband. About that time the “benefits” slowed to a VERY small trickle. Enter thoughts of divorce, but Shell Man was too fearful to bring it up. Like I NEEDED EVEN MORE INSECURITIES? God, how spiritually broken can a man get?
Enter Healing / Jim 2.0
At some point in mid-life, for many of us, parents come back into play. We become re-involved, but in a much larger way, because, well, we have to. My Mother had to come to live her last years with us and a few years later my Mother in Law did the same. All that time of caring, watching loved ones winding down to their eternity and wondering what they thought about the quality of the lives that they had lived was cause for introspection. Was I going to regret the life I lived when I was in their position? That scared the hell out of me! I started searching. I didn’t know what I was searching for, but there had to be something – anything – to fix me, to help me become the person that deep down I was meant to be. Someone once said, “Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek, and you will find it. Knock, and the door will be opened for you.”. I started asking, seeking and knocking in all directions.
At some point in mid life, for many of us, parents come back into play. We become re-involved, but in a much larger way, because, well, we have to. My Mother had to come to live her last years with us and a few years later my Mother in Law did the same. All that time of caring, watching loved ones winding down to their eternity and wondering what they thought about the quality of the lives that they had lived was cause for introspection. Was I going to regret the life I lived when I was in their position? That scared the shit out of me! I started searching. I didn’t know what I was searching for, but there had to be something – anything – to fix me, to help me become the person that deep down I was meant to be. Someone once said, “Ask, and it will be given you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and it will be opened for you.”. I started asking, seeking and knocking in all directions.
The Podcast
Oddly enough, the first answer came to me from a podcast called “The Art of Charm,” which I discovered because they advertised on a podcast called “SOFREP Radio” – yes, a show about military special operations forces became the genesis of my healing. (Seek and you will find! Amazing how this stuff works!) Any way the “Charm” podcast I heard was about confidence building. I recognized they were promoting some of the more basic “Neuro Linguistic Programming” (NLP) techniques. Change your body posture, smile (a lot!), change the way you walk, etc., and you will change the way you feel. So what the hell, I gave it a shot. I listened to these workshops when I walked the dog and wondered if I was getting anything out of it.
A few months later I found myself at a bar with an old college buddy. Basically I’m just sitting up straight, shoulders broad, and smiling in a way that seemed forced and comical to me. I notice a very attractive and much younger woman coming across the bar floor on a path directly towards me. She comes over to me, pulls up a stool and sits in front of me and starts to chat me up! Shit Jim, this NLP B.S. really works! So I figured out how to at least look attractive. But inside, forget it, I can’t talk to pretty ladies; I’m not charismatic enough. I quickly made some stupid comment that drove the young lady away but, oh well, at least I found some small way where my efforts, however trivial, made a noticeable change in my 50-year-old life.
The experience spurred me on to find new ways to help heal this Humpty Dumpty man. Over the next few years of searching, I had many self-realizations from the right people, the right speakers and the right podcasts that just seemed to reveal themselves at the perfect time. (Knock, and it will be opened for you!) The following are what I consider to be the most important transformative events that occurred in those few years. These people and events literally changed me into a completely new person. They are the genesis of the Healing Factory. Please see Emotion Code and the Members area for the rest of my story